Monday, February 19, 2018

Cold, Old


On your birthday, I'm reminded that you were the younger one. It surprises me, still. You made me feel young, years erased.

I'm feeling particularly old and decrepit today, a threadbare sweater stretched past form or function. The icy wind stings through worn fabric, sleeves trailing behind.

I miss you. Happy birthday.



Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Ha. Ha ha ha.


In the midst of an anxiety/panic attack, and iTunes random play decides this song is what I should hear as an accompanying soundtrack.


Very funny. Life is What You Make it. Talk talk.

Fucking hysterical. Shut up.


Monday, December 18, 2017

Futility Fulfilled


Regardless of how fast I ran,
of all the motion.

No matter the distance between,
the breadth, the space.

Despite each climb up from every fall
over and over again.

Even with all the time gone.
dreams, loves, hopes in hindsight.

Regardless,
No matter,
Despite,
Even with...

I find myself
right back
where I began.





Sunday, June 11, 2017

It Comes In Waves


The thing about Major Depressive Disorder, it never really goes away.

Sure you may have moments where you feel okay. They may even last days, or weeks.

Is that hope? You may even dare to feel it. The tide went out.

But it always returns.

Monday, March 6, 2017

I'm NOT Tim


Tim Hinderliter was not shopping at the Broadway QFC, and the guy who was and looks like Tim (at a glance and when you're not wearing your glasses) does NOT like being called Tim.

Me: "Hey Tim! How... oh sor..."
NOT Tim: "WHAT?"
"I'm sorry, I thought you were Tim an..."
"I'M NOT TIM"
"Yeah, I see that now. Sorr..."
"DON'T CALL ME TIM!"
"I won't. You're not Tim. Got it."
"YOU SHOULDN'T JUST BUG PEOPLE!"
"I..."
"I JUST WANT TO SHOP IN PEACE!"
"Wel..."
"LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME SHOP IN PEACE!"
"Okay, sorry" as I quickly move away, while he returns to considering lunch meat options and says (for emphasis, presumably) "I'M NOT TIM" during my apparently not quick enough exit.

Everyone else in the aisle had immediately become intensely interested in food labels, except one woman a bit further down the aisle. As I approached she greeted me with a smirk and a universally recognizable WTF? face.

"He's not Tim," I say to her, with my version of the universally recognizable WTF? face, "don't call him Tim." 

"He should wear a sign or something," she says, smiling as we pass.

And now I get home and realize I forgot coffee (the whole reason I went) and have to go back. I hope NOT Tim isn't there.




Thursday, November 3, 2016

I was dancing, yeah that was it... a dance.


I was talking with an acquaintance the other day, and he reached his arms out like he wanted a hug. It made sense in the conversation, so I responded... it turns out he was taking his coat off.

Awkward.

Maybe if I'd quickly robot danced it would've resulted in a graceful recovery. Probably a better one than apologizing, and shuffling my feet while laughing nervously.

When we parted, I reached my arms out like I wanted a hug. Thankfully he got the joke.

So, that was fun.



Sunday, October 16, 2016

Well, hello


Ran into an acquaintance today, recently having returned to Seattle after moving away a year ago. Short "welcome back" discussion followed, as one would expect. Moving away doesn't produce a wall, lines go two directions, very few decisions are cast in impermeable concrete.

"I look forward to catching up."

Well, let's see. In the past year I've gone further into debt. Deeper into depression. Possibilities are more unreachable. Hope an increasingly distant memory. Life, ever more of a chore.

And how have you been?


"Yeah. Lets."